Fuck My Life

[Porch Monkey]

What's your favorite?

www.fmylife.com

Today, my very religious grandmother walked in on me masturbating. She's sending me to bible camp. FML

[Spider Monkey]

Living with grandmother is enough FML.

[tappin_azz]

DAMN!! blocked at work! commie bastards.

[IamDeMan]

Living with grandmother is enough FML.

Hey, fuck you! I had to do it in 2002 when we moved down to FL. Oh wait never mind FML.

[Porch Monkey]

Today, I drove my two kids to their friends' houses. In my convertible, looking what I though was my best, I slowed down outside a bar with cute 20 year old girls in front. My daughter noticed the speed reduction and said, "Keep driving dad, you're fat and mom left you for a reason." FML

[Porch Monkey]

Today, the 75 year old blinding owner of the bar I work at called me over and told me to fire "Rachel, the stupid cunt after the next wrong thing she does". My name is Rachel. FML

[Spider Monkey]

Today I forgot my cell phone at home. I just know that the CTers are going to find out and blow me up with text messages that I have to erase when I get home. It will probably kill my battery too.

FML

[Porch Monkey]

multiple texts like PM's, I'll get right on that! ;)

[Spider Monkey]

FML

[Porch Monkey]

Today, I had to make a family tree for one of my classes. When I was going through it, I realized that both my parents have the same last name. So, I asked them about it and they told me that they are second cousins. FML

[Spider Monkey]

You sure they jsut weren't married?

[Porch Monkey]

Today, to remind myself to write a check for my speech and debate team (Lynbrook Speech and Debate), I wrote "LSD money" on the back of my hand. The Vice Principal saw it, dragged me to the office, and called my parents. FML

[joetama]

I love that site.

[Rashaddd]

Today, in class my friend played a joke on me by pulling my seat from under me while i was about to sit. I fell and everybody laughed at me. During the next class i did the same thing to him, he broke his arm. He was the star of the basketball team, nobody laughed. FML

[Rashaddd]

Today, I went to the doctor for my yearly checkup. After getting my blood-pressure taken, my finger pricked, etc, the doctor began to ask me some questions. When asked if I was sexually active, I responded "Yes". The doctor started laughing. FML

[Porch Monkey]

hahaha

[joetama]

I'm addicted to reading these.

It is amazing how pathetic some people are.

[MAROJ248]

Today, to remind myself to write a check for my speech and debate team (Lynbrook Speech and Debate), I wrote "LSD money" on the back of my hand. The Vice Principal saw it, dragged me to the office, and called my parents. FML

[tapout]

Today, to remind myself to write a check for my speech and debate team (Lynbrook Speech and Debate), I wrote "LSD money" on the back of my hand. The Vice Principal saw it, dragged me to the office, and called my parents. FML

seriously?

FYL indeed.

Today, to remind myself to write a check for my speech and debate team (Lynbrook Speech and Debate), I wrote "LSD money" on the back of my hand. The Vice Principal saw it, dragged me to the office, and called my parents. FML

[Porch Monkey]

INdeed

[Rashaddd]

Today, to remind myself to write a check for my speech and debate team (Lynbrook Speech and Debate), I wrote "LSD money" on the back of my hand. The Vice Principal saw it, dragged me to the office, and called my parents. FML

ban?

[joetama]

Man how long has this forum been around and people are already pulling out the ban hammer.

[IDSkot]

DAMN!! blocked at work! commie bastards.

Tappin_Azz works?!

[ngsm13]

Love this site.

nG

[natisfynest]

Today, I realized that my roommate has been using my loofah to clean our toilet. I've been cleaning myself with the shit of four college boys for the last six months. FML

i lol'd

[Porch Monkey]

me too

[natisfynest]

OMFG

Today, I was talking to my mom. During the conversation she randomly asked me "does he take his leg off when you guys are having sex?" Referring to the guy I've been seeing who has a prosthetic leg. My dad then asked "does he beat you with it too if you've been naughty?" FML



i wish i coulda been there for this

[tappin_azz]

Tappin_Azz works?!

LAWL!!!

[natisfynest]

Today, I had to make a family tree for one of my classes. When I was going through it, I realized that both my parents have the same last name. So, I asked them about it and they told me that they are second cousins. FML

it keeps getting better

[natisfynest]

Today, my wife told me that she wanted a divorce. It is also my 39th birthday today. For my birthday present, she gave me a subscription to match.com. FML

this site is full of lol'z i feel so much better about myself now

[q-ball]

Tappin_Azz works?!

I lol'd!!!!

[hoss]

Today, I had sex with my girlfriend. Being the stud that I am, after a short time I turned to her and said "You think you're ready for a round two?" She replied "No, but I do think I'm ready for the rest of round one." FML

lol

[hoss]

Today I was trying to poast a quote on a forum and I did it wrong, and Ill probably get harrassed and tickled until I scream and wet myself... FML

[Pop Da Hatch]

I blew my stock speakers today listening to Britney Spears song Womanizer FML.

[hoss]

I blew a man today listening to Britney Spears song Womanizer FML.

Edited to add irony and a freal FML moment :p

[Pop Da Hatch]

O much better.

[Spider Monkey]

Today I was trying to poast a quote on a forum and I did it wrong, and Ill probably get harrassed and tickled until I scream and wet myself... FML

lulz

[Bender]

Today, I was in spanish class, having a debate about the death penalty. When I went to make a point, I meant to say "La pena de muerte", which means "The death penalty". I said, "La pene de muerte". Turns out that means, "The penis of death". FML

lol ima use that phrase sometime today

[icpurplepplalot]

Yo tengo la pene de muerte :fyi:

[joetama]

Love this site.

nG

It's like going to Wal-Mart. LOL

[Randy Savage]

Today, I woke up at my boyfriend's place with grumbling stomach pains. I left him in bed to go have explosive diarreah in the bathroom next to his room. When I was done, I came back to bed and snuggled in next to his sleeping form and he rolled over to whisper, "I heard everthing." FML

[Redemon]

^^^ Wow!!

[Porch Monkey]

I can smell it from here. FML

[Spider Monkey]

I didn't make it to the bathroom. FML

[ngsm13]

BEST:


Today, I met a guy at a bar and we went back to my room. (http://www.fmylife.com/sex/139747) We start having sex and about 30 seconds in he stops and says it's not right - he likes me too much for a one night stand. (http://www.fmylife.com/sex/139747) He gives me his number, a kiss on the cheek and leaves. (http://www.fmylife.com/sex/139747) Turns out he already came. (http://www.fmylife.com/sex/139747) I call his phone - wrong number. (http://www.fmylife.com/sex/139747) FML (http://www.fmylife.com/sex/139747)


nG

[joetama]

Well played in my opinion.

[ngsm13]

Truth.

nG

[ngsm13]

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me after a year of living together. (http://www.fmylife.com/love/79769) She told me that she met someone else and wanted to move out. (http://www.fmylife.com/love/79769) She moved out. (http://www.fmylife.com/love/79769). (http://www.fmylife.com/love/79769). (http://www.fmylife.com/love/79769) but moved her things into my roommate's bedroom. (http://www.fmylife.com/love/79769) FML (http://www.fmylife.com/love/79769)


nG

[Porch Monkey]

BEST:




nG
http://www.caraudio.com/forum/showthread.php?t=389573

[Randy Savage]

Today, I was walking when a man pointed a camera at me, so I decided to be bitchy about it and say "Did I say you could take a picture?" and he replied with, "No, but can you get the fuck out of the way so I can take one of my wife and kids." I turn around, and they were right behind me. FML

[farmerehsan]

Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, the light turned on. His father heard the whole thing and used the 3-way lightswitch to let us know. FML

[Randy Savage]

Today, I came home to find that my room had been ransacked. My mom comes out of no where and says that we need to have a talk. I freaked out thinking it was all the empty alcohol bottles under my bed. My mom holds up the birth control and says "I always knew you were a whore." FML

[Spider Monkey]

HAHAHHA

[tappin_azz]

Today, I came home to find that my room had been ransacked. My mom comes out of no where and says that we need to have a talk. I freaked out thinking it was all the empty alcohol bottles under my bed. My mom holds up the birth control and says "I always knew you were a whore." FML

best one yet. AIAEC.

[Randy Savage]

Today, the fitting room of the store I worked in smelled really bad. The customers started to complain and since I was on fitting room duty I went to go investigate. A middle aged woman pooped on the floor and then put the chair on top to cover it. FML

[Randy Savage]

Today, I overheard my daughter compliment my mother by saying "My mom is way flabbier than you, Grandma." When I told her later that she hurt my feelings, she told me to "man up." She's seven. FML

[Randy Savage]

Today, my boyfriend and his family had invited me to go on a Tropical family trip with them. When we got to the airport, security stopped me and opened my carry-on bag. I'd forgotten about the no-liquids rule. They took out a bottle of Massage Oil, Lube, Vagasil and Nair. His whole family saw. FML

[Spider Monkey]

Today, I overheard my daughter compliment my mother by saying "My mom is way flabbier than you, Grandma." When I told her later that she hurt my feelings, she told me to "man up." She's seven. FML

lolliers

[Randy Savage]

Today, my boyfriend was coming over so I bought this sexy corset, some fishnets, silettos and see-through thong. After my dad left I dressed up and a few minutes later the doorbell rang. I answered it, whip in hand. It was my dad. He forgot his keys. Im grounded. FML

[Randy Savage]

Today, I was walking through Borders with my girlfriend, when we pass a girl scout cookies stand. I see a box of Samoas, my favorite, point at them, and shout, 'YEAH'. My girlfriend looks shocked. Behind the box of cookies was a five year old scout bending over, with her bottom pointed at me. FML

[Randy Savage]

Today, my mom bought me a t-shirt from the store. It has the U.S. Marines logo on it and says "Marines' Girlfriend". I'm a straight 16 year old boy and my mom only reads and speaks Spanish. FML

[Randy Savage]

Today, my teacher confiscated my cell phone for text messaging. He said he would give it back if the next text that I would receive was important. I prayed the guy I've been texting didn't send the dick pic he said he was going to. He did. FML

[Spider Monkey]

Today, I was walking through Borders with my girlfriend, when we pass a girl scout cookies stand. I see a box of Samoas, my favorite, point at them, and shout, 'YEAH'. My girlfriend looks shocked. Behind the box of cookies was a five year old scout bending over, with her bottom pointed at me. FML

Outloud lol

[Pop Da Hatch]

fucking win.

[Pop Da Hatch]

Today, I was in the change room at the local YMCA. I went to use the hair dryer but couldn't because a naked old man was bent over, butt cheeks spread wide with his hands, and ass aimed at the dryer. He seemed to be enjoying it. FML

[Bender]

lol wow thats a new one

[Pop Da Hatch]

Today, during my choral concert, I was helping turn the pages for the pianist who was accompanying the singers. In the middle of the song, one of the pages slipped and fell into his crotch area. In a panic, I frantically reached to grab the music. Well, I grabbed something. It wasn't the music. FML

[Pop Da Hatch]

Today, I went to the movies with some girlfriends. The guy behind us was making these pervy, heavy breathing noises, so we threw some popcorn at him. When the movie finished, we saw him in a wheelchair - with a breathing tube sticking out of his neck. FML

[Pop Da Hatch]

Today, my wife and I were driving to the gas station, she let me out before she pulled up to the pumps because I had to buy some things from the store. I returned to see my wife proudly filling the tank. Smiling, she told me that diesel was cheaper than regular gas. We don't own a diesel car. FML

[Pop Da Hatch]

Today, I was in the gym, when i noticed three trainers who worked there staring at me. Thinking that they were checking me out, i turned the speed on the tread mill higher. Finally one of the trainers came over, and asked me to leave until i got a sports bra that actually worked. FML

[Pop Da Hatch]

Womenz funnies

[Pop Da Hatch]

LAWLZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ


Today, I was having sex with my wife when my 14 year old daughter from her room texts me, "Stop." FML

[Spider Monkey]

RETOAST

[Pop Da Hatch]

no wai.

[Spider Monkey]

Wai

In fact when I read that I even read it in Savage's voice because he was the original poaster.

[bluecar]

Today, my mom bought me a t-shirt from the store. It has the U.S. Marines logo on it and says "Marines' Girlfriend". I'm a straight 16 year old boy and my mom only reads and speaks Spanish. FML

losl

[IDSkot]

Hilarious.

[bluecar]

Today, I was driving at night and saw a small animal run across the road. I slammed on my brakes and got rear-ended. The animal turned out to be a plastic grocery bag. FML

[IDSkot]

I was listening to music, and in between songs there was a short silent part where I heard my brother's girlfriend moaning. My brother's not home. FML.


^^^ True story.

[Spider Monkey]

I was listening to music, and in between songs there was a short silent part where I heard my brother's girlfriend moaning. My brother's not home. FML.


^^^ True story.

She was masturbating? That is a bad thing?

[IDSkot]

She was masturbating? That is a bad thing?

I forgot to add... she's 350 pounds and 5'7".

[Spider Monkey]

FYL

[IDSkot]

FYL

I'd offer to post pictures, but I'll save you from the torment.

[Porch Monkey]

Wai

In fact when I read that I even read it in Savage's voice because he was the original poaster.
Uh, that was ME who posted it yesterday. ;)

[Spider Monkey]

Uh, that was ME who posted it yesterday. ;)

Yea bro, but you were impersonating Savage. You even did a body slam off the top rope,

[Bender]

I'd offer to post pictures, but I'll save you from the torment.

just pm them to dh he will be grateful

[Spider Monkey]

Today I logged into CT and was watching an imbedded youtube video about a fag getting creamed by a truck and when the lulz were over, I closed the forum. I got owned by imbedded videos.

FML.

[Bender]

Today, I was teasing my little brother. Later that night, I went to the bathroom to wash up. While Im brushing my teeth, my little brother slips a photo under the door that shows him scrubbing my toothbrush against his nuts. FML

win

[natisfynest]

Today, I put my picture into a celebrity look alike website. The three matches that came up were Barbra Streisand, Hillary Clinton, and Boy George. I'm 16. I'm a boy. FML...

[natisfynest]

Today, I was teasing my little brother. Later that night, I went to the bathroom to wash up. While Im brushing my teeth, my little brother slips a photo under the door that shows him scrubbing my toothbrush against his nuts. FML
,,,

[natisfynest]

LULZ were had with tis one

Today, in a very crowded public restroom at a sporting arena, after looking to the man using the urinal to his right, my 6 year old son turns to address me on his left and exclaims, "Daddy, that man's wiener is a lot bigger than yours!" The whole bathroom heard and looked immediately at me. FML

[slim8605]

Today, I was teasing my little brother. Later that night, I went to the bathroom to wash up. While Im brushing my teeth, my little brother slips a photo under the door that shows him scrubbing my toothbrush against his nuts. FML

Go up a couple of post

[natisfynest]

damn it i guess its a really good one

[slim8605]

I would have kicked that kid if he said that to men in front of everyone

[natisfynest]

lol

Today, we had some family over. A nasty need to wank seized me when I saw her : my 17 year old cousin. I went to my unoccupied parents’ bedroom. My sister's baby walkie talkie was on and the whole family heard me. FML

[Rashaddd]

Today, I was a TA for a history class and the class was taking a test. About halfway through, I noticed one kid had a small piece of paper in his hand. I ran up the row, grabbed his test, and ripped it into four pieces. Then I took the note from him. It said "I believe in you, -Mom." FML

[wasted ink]

Today, my daughter asked me when was the first time I had sex. After I told her 22 she quickly shouted, "Beat ya!" She's thirteen. FML

:laugh:

[Rashaddd]

I would dis-own my daughter.

[Rashaddd]

Today, I was at the dentist getting a cavity filled. As she's drilling into my tooth, I feel the drill slip, and then she quickly stuffs gauze into my mouth. She nervously laughs and says to me "Wow! You must really be numb!" FML

lmao

[wasted ink]

Today, at the dentist, I was getting my teeth cleaned. Looking up at his nose, I saw runny snot dripping onto his lip. I tried to slowly move away. He told me "Stop!" The movement of his lips caused the snot to fall right into my mouth. FML

[Rashaddd]

:bbtdildo:

[farmerehsan]

Today, I got hit by a car to save a little kid from getting hit. Having heard the sound of screeching tires, the mother ran out of her house to see her kid in my arms, and the driver rushing out of his car. The mother said, "THANK YOU FOR SAVING MY SON!"...she was talking to the driver... (

[Porch Monkey]

hahaha that's fucked up

[joetama]

Lame... If you save a kids life you shouldn't need the thank you.

[farmerehsan]

Today, my mom told me that if I am to find a decent husband I need to start getting sexual experience. I asked her what the hell she was talking about and she said "well, it's not like you have anything else to offer. you've got to find talent somewhere." FML

[farmerehsan]

today, I sent my crush a naughty text asking him if he's ready for a blow. I sent it, put my phone on vibrate, and took a shower. When I came back, I saw a new txt from my crush. It read "hey girl its meg. And that's already taken care of. " meg's my sister...she's 14. FML

[farmerehsan]

Today I got randomly screened at the Barcelona Airport. I was on a tour with my choir. I have now been "randomly screened at 5/5 airports on our tour. I'm Indian. FML

[farmerehsan]

Today, i woke up and my parents had gotten me two new credit cards. I was confused because last night was the first time I ever came home drunk. I asked why they were giving these to me now. They said, "After last night, we realized it was about time finally grew up." FML

[sks_lex]

Today, i woke up and my parents had gotten me two new credit cards. I was confused because last night was the first time I ever came home drunk. I asked why they were giving these to me now. They said, "After last night, we realized it was about time finally grew up." FML

Damn I never got a credit card. Get a fucking job.

[IDSkot]

Today, i woke up and my parents had gotten me two new credit cards. I was confused because last night was the first time I ever came home drunk. I asked why they were giving these to me now. They said, "After last night, we realized it was about time finally grew up." FML

This doesn't make sense.
She comes home drunk, then gets two credit cards? How is that punishment? Or even bad?

[Pop Da Hatch]

Today, I was trying to send a resume to this company I wanted to work in and another letter to my ex-boyfriend, with swear words, and I also said that I hated our sex. I put the letters in the wrong envelopes. FML

[Pop Da Hatch]

Today, I was sitting on my 70 year old grandmothers bed with my older brother. I decided to snoop through the cabinet at the back of her bed, and I pulled out what I naively thought was a strange looking flashlight. When I twisted the bottom of it to see what would happen it started vibrating. FML

[Pop Da Hatch]

Today, my fiance's divorce was finalized. To celebrate, we went out to dinner at this expensive restaurant. After dinner, he goes to the restroom. A couple minutes later, the check comes with a note saying: "Thanks! Gonna enjoy bachelor life. It's over." Left me with the $200 bill. He drove. FML

[IDSkot]

Today, my fiance's divorce was finalized. To celebrate, we went out to dinner at this expensive restaurant. After dinner, he goes to the restroom. A couple minutes later, the check comes with a note saying: "Thanks! Gonna enjoy bachelor life. It's over." Left me with the $200 bill. He drove. FML


:homeboy:

[Pop Da Hatch]

Today, I went to use a public bathroom with my friend. I heard someone, who I thought was my friend talking, and I replied with "I hate being on my rag, I get constipated a lot." When I opened the stall door, I saw two guys using the urinals. I went into the men's restroom. FML

[Pop Da Hatch]

Today, I woke up in the hospital after trying to kill myself. When my mom walked in to see me, the first thing she said was, "well, I guess this is just another thing that you fail at." The nurse laughed. FML

[IDSkot]

Today, I woke up in the hospital after trying to kill myself. When my mom walked in to see me, the first thing she said was, "well, I guess this is just another thing that you fail at." The nurse laughed. FML

lmao. That one is fucking horrible.

[Pop Da Hatch]

Today, I was sitting in class and I fell asleep during the lesson. I was wearing sweatpants and had an erection. My teacher came up to me and grabbed my penis. She thought it was my phone. FML

[Pop Da Hatch]

Lawl

[Pop Da Hatch]

Today, my boyfriend told me he couldn't hang out with me because he felt really sick. I went to his house anyway to surprise him with homemade soup. I walk in to his room only to find him hooking up with my sister. She can't drive, our mom drove her there. FML

[Pop Da Hatch]

:bootyshake:WOW

[IDSkot]

Today, my boyfriend told me he couldn't hang out with me because he felt really sick. I went to his house anyway to surprise him with homemade soup. I walk in to his room only to find him hooking up with my sister. She can't drive, our mom drove her there. FML

lmfao.

[Pop Da Hatch]

thats so bad.

[farmerehsan]

This doesn't make sense.
She comes home drunk, then gets two credit cards? How is that punishment? Or even bad?

its not lol. its like "damn ur finally being social and gettin older and uve quit being a pussy lol

[farmerehsan]

When I was 12, I woke up the morning after breaking my arm at the beginning of summer, still groggy from the pain medication, to find my grandparents in our living room. I asked them what they were doing there. They informed me that our dog had been hit by a car.

[farmerehsan]

Today, I decided to actually help my mom with dinner and preheat the oven. I completely forgot that she likes to store random shit in the oven. Like plastic. FML.

[farmerehsan]

Today, I passed my exam with flying colors. Then, at about 11 o'clock I woke up realizing that it was a dream. My exam was at 8:30. FML

[Pop Da Hatch]

Today, I was driving on the freeway in the back seat of my friends car. I looked over to the left and was greeted by a van full of adolescent boys waving and making the "call me" hand gesture. I then happened to looked down and realized that my right boob was completely out of my top. FML

[Pop Da Hatch]

Today, I bragged to a coworker that our boss compliments me constantly on my work performance, my fashion sense, and my trustworthiness. She then directed me to a "neighborhood watch" website. My boss is a registered sex offender. FML

[Pop Da Hatch]

Today, I was driving down the road when I got to a red light. I looked over and saw a hot chick in a convertible so I spoke to my window thinking she couldn't hear me "Hey girl, I may have a tiny dick but I make up for it in speed and stamina." She looked over. I forgot about the sunroof. FML

[Pop Da Hatch]

Today, I went on a walk with the guy I like. He held my hand, so I decided to tell him that I had feelings for him. He said that he had feelings for me too. I smiled and leaned in to kiss him. He put his hand on my face and pushed it away, and said "until your acne clears, we are NOT together." FML

[wasted ink]

Today, I went on a walk with the guy I like. He held my hand, so I decided to tell him that I had feelings for him. He said that he had feelings for me too. I smiled and leaned in to kiss him. He put his hand on my face and pushed it away, and said "until your acne clears, we are NOT together." FML

Face palm FTW!

[IDSkot]

Face palm FTW!

x2

Flawless victory for him.

[mackin]

Today, I called up the boy I like to ask him on a date. He said "Haha, thats a pretty good impression Chris. Next time pick someone less ugly and maybe I'd think this is real." He thought I was his friend prank calling him. FML

[Spider Monkey]

Moar

[Pop Da Hatch]

Today, I had a job interview. I stopped to take a pee in the lobby before I went in. I relaxed a bit too much at the urinal and accidentally farted. I proceeded to chuckle about it like a 5-year old for a few seconds. The guy that had been next to me at the urinal was the interviewer. FML

[Pop Da Hatch]

Today, my white mother in law called our house phone. Since I'm Chilean and have a fairly heavy accent, she mistook me for the cleaning lady and scolded me for answering the phone. Before I could correct her, she said "this is why only white people should be allowed in America" and hung up. FML

[Pop Da Hatch]

Today, I was talking to my mom about who I wanted to ask to prom. I told her the names of the girls I was thinking of asking and she replied, "They'll say no, but you can always go with one of your cousins." FML

[Pop Da Hatch]

Today, my mother and I went to Wal-Mart to buy pads. I suggested I get tampons instead, so that I can go swimming at my boyfriend's cottage. My mother then goes to the nearest store employee and asks, "excuse me, if my daughter uses a tampon, does that mean she is no longer a virgin?" FML

[Pop Da Hatch]

Today, I was rubbing my dog's belly. He seemed to be enjoying it, his penis "came out". My boyfriend was walking by and said "at least you turn someone on." FML

[Pop Da Hatch]

Today, I was walking from my office to the place i had parked my car, a distance of approximately three blocks. As I was about to round the last corner I was forced to dive out of the way of a speeding car. As I looked up, I noticed that it was my car. FML

[Pop Da Hatch]

Today, I was working at the grocery store and a very old woman wanted to give me a tip for bagging her groceries. She slid a quarter into my pocket against my thigh as deep down as she could get it, then she gave me a smile and a wink. I was groped by a grandma. FML

[Pop Da Hatch]

Ill check back tomorrow.

[Pop Da Hatch]

If this is a repost, do not care.

Today, my daughter asked me when was the first time I had sex. After I told her 22 she quickly shouted, "Beat ya!" She's thirteen. FML

[IDSkot]

If this is a repost, do not care.

Today, my daughter asked me when was the first time I had sex. After I told her 22 she quickly shouted, "Beat ya!" She's thirteen. FML

Retoast repost.

[icpurplepplalot]

retoast

[Spider Monkey]

If this is a repost, do not care.

Today, my daughter asked me when was the first time I had sex. After I told her 22 she quickly shouted, "Beat ya!" She's thirteen. FML

Fag

[Redemon]

Today, I was talking to my mom about who I wanted to ask to prom. I told her the names of the girls I was thinking of asking and she replied, "They'll say no, but you can always go with one of your cousins." FML


Burned by mom.
HAHA

[IDSkot]

Today, my mom came to me and asked if I had drank her wine. I'm 16, so I lied and said "no". The next morning there was a DVD on my bed labeled "pool house security cameras- love mom." It was a video of me downing two bottles of red wine and having sex with my boyfriend. FML

lmfao

[Spider Monkey]

Oops. lol

[hoss]

I read that one earlier and laughed

[Spider Monkey]

HAHAHA PLAYA

Today, I finally got the courage to tell my best friend that I've had a crush on him since our junior year. Since I couldn't see him I shot him a text. His response: "Yeah I know. I've tried kind of ignoring it." FML

[hoss]

Today, I went to my new doctor to establish the paperwork. During the questionnaire, she asked if I was sexually active. I said yes. She then asked, "what do you do?". I told her I normally did vaginal, but would sometimes do anal. She blushed and started to laugh. She was asking where I worked. FML

lool

[LiquidClen]

lool

I just got done reading that. Serious lols were had

[Superlifted06FX4]

Today, I woke up, completely naked, in bed with a guy i met the night before. We were both drunk the night before and I had agreed to go home with him. The reason I woke up was that someone was knocking on his bedroom door. Turns out he lives with his mom and she made us pancakes. FML

Thats nice of her.

[Redemon]

Today, I woke up, completely naked, in bed with a guy i met the night before. We were both drunk the night before and I had agreed to go home with him. The reason I woke up was that someone was knocking on his bedroom door. Turns out he lives with his mom and she made us pancakes. FML

Thats nice of her.


Yeah thats not that bad.

[bluecar]

Today, I woke up, completely naked, in bed with a guy i met the night before. We were both drunk the night before and I had agreed to go home with him. The reason I woke up was that someone was knocking on his bedroom door. Turns out he lives with his mom and she made us pancakes. FML

Thats nice of her.

hahahahhahahaha


That's great

[brynm]

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex for the first time. Afterwards we went to Applebees for dinner, then after we'd ate I asked "How was it?" he says "It was terrible", to which I said "The food was that bad?" He replies "No, the sex". FML

[brynm]

Today, I was on a webcam with my friend. We were joking around so i stood up and flashed her. Her grandma choose that second to walk past and look at the screen. Her grandma now thinks were lesbians and that i'm a whore. FML

[brynm]

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend when she started moaning and breathing heavily. I thought she was getting hot and was about to cum. Unfortunetly, she soon said, "I'm bored, let's play a board game." She was sighing, not moaning. FML

[brynm]

Karma?

Today, I fell down a flight of stairs onto cement and had to get stitches in my knee. The class I was running to was Buddhist Philosophy where I was supposed to give a presentation on how we all need to slow down and stop rushing through life. FML

[brynm]

Today, I was sifting through my parents old home movies. I put in one and was horrified to see my parents having sex. I immediatly ejected the tape and looked at the label. It said "Bermuda, 1989". They've told me I was conceived in Bermuda around that time. I've seen my own conception. FML


LOL

[brynm]

Today, I babysat 3 year old twins. They have a huge dry erase board hanging inbetween their beds. After they fell asleep I drew a very detailed and large drawing of a penis. When I went to erase it I realized it was in Sharpie. FML

[GearGuy2001]

Today, my parents said that they bought me a car. I had been begging for one for a year and they always said that I would have to pay for it myself. I got really excited and went to the garage to see my new ride. It was a Hot Wheels car with a note saying "save your money". FML

[Pop Da Hatch]

Today, I work in a grocery store and a woman suffering from diarrhea somehow managed to get diarrhea up and down two of the store aisles, then proceed to the ladies room and mess all over the stall. I was the only one working trained in deal with biohazardous waste so I had to clean it up. FML

[Pop Da Hatch]

Today I had to perform a skit in my class. My skit included me wearing tight spandex compression shorts. The class laughed pretty hard, and I felt good. Afterward, a girl I have a crush on said, "So the stereotype about Asian guys IS true." Through the fluorescent lights you could see my junk. FML

[Pop Da Hatch]

Today, my boyfriend came over for dinner, but couldn't eat because he had just gotten his tongue pierced. My grandpa heard this, winked at my boyfriend and said "Can't eat now, but I bet that's all you'll be doing in a few weeks..." My super protective father was sitting right next to him. FML

[Pop Da Hatch]

Today, I had my car stolen. When the police found it, pretty much everything inside was missing. For some reason, I had left 6 pairs of shoes in my back seat. Whoever stole my car thought it would be funny to take one shoe from each pair. I now own 6 unmatched shoes and my car smells like sex. FML

[Pop Da Hatch]

Today, my mom suspected me of doing marijuana. She went and bought a home-drug test and sent me to the bathroom. As I went in, I realized there was already pee in the toilet. I scooped that instead of my own and handed it to my mom. It came up positive. My sister used the bathroom last. She's 12. FML

[Pop Da Hatch]

^^^^OWND^^^^

[Pop Da Hatch]

Today, my father asked me if he could borrow my electric razor because he wanted to "surprise mom later". Anxious to see him without his life-long beard, I willingly agreed. About half an hour later he exited the bathroom. Beard fully intact. FML

[Pop Da Hatch]

Today, my 11 year old brother walked in on me sitting on my boyfriend's ass and giving him a back massage. He tilted his head a little and then said "Aren't you guys doing it wrong? Isn't he supposed to be on top?" My boyfriend laughed and gave him a high-five. FML

[hoss]

Does anyone else still read this?

IMO it has kind of turned into "zomg imma whiny teenager and high school sucks. fml"

[Pop Da Hatch]

occasionally, there are still some funny ones. just lost interest in posting hurr.

[Spider Monkey]

Does anyone else still read this?

IMO it has kind of turned into "zomg imma whiny teenager and high school sucks. fml"

I reads when they are posted here, but that is it. Too fake to go out of my way and hunt down.

[Bender]

lol dumbass

Today, I was driving my car like any ordinary day. My dad has been harping on me about not checking the oil, so I finally checked it. Driving down the road my hood flew up and shattered my windshield. I forgot to latch my hood after checking the oil. $300 for a new windshield. The oil was fine. FML

[bluecar]

I read it from time to time.

[IDSkot]

lol dumbass

Today, I was driving my car like any ordinary day. My dad has been harping on me about not checking the oil, so I finally checked it. Driving down the road my hood flew up and shattered my windshield. I forgot to latch my hood after checking the oil. $300 for a new windshield. The oil was fine. FML

:facepalm:

[Bender]

holy balls look at your rep

[ma5terta]

Today, I went out to eat with some friends. They picked a table that wasn't big enough for all of us. I had to sit in the booth behind them. Alone. FML

[Bender]

Today, I thought it would be funny to sneak up behind my cat and scare it with a loud "boo!" The cat responded by jumping up, and running across my apartment, which would have been fine, except for the fact she left a trail of liquid shit everywhere she went. FML

[evildave101]

Today, I thought it would be funny to sneak up behind my cat and scare it with a loud "boo!" The cat responded by jumping up, and running across my apartment, which would have been fine, except for the fact she left a trail of liquid shit everywhere she went. FML

lol